Wednesday, 7 January 2015

/start rant

I feel like for the past week, my passion for feminism has just grown exponentially. Maybe it's because I've gone back to drinking black coffee or maybe it's because I've gotten so bored I've been reading Jezebel again, Either way, it's not something I'm afraid to hide, but I think in some of the communities I'm in it's just best to pretend you don't care about it - which doesn't mean not speaking up about it, but to me it just means to never initiate the topic. Avoid conflict, if possible.

Anyway, as usual I'm writing because there's just so much going on in my head and I figured I'd sort them out.

There's this quote by this famous person that goes something like women shouldn't chase the guy, stop chasing and look for the guy who's chasing you instead. Which I just completely totally disagree with, but I didn't say anything because even if I do, it'll just be this awkward series of apologies later on. Anyway, I just totally completely disagree with that quote and what it will imply to other women. I feel like if guys are encouraged to go 'get the girl', then why can't girls go and get the guy? If it was me, I'm not going to compromise. And we shouldn't! I feel like we should all just give ourselves what we really want. Get what you want. I just hate what that quote implies to me. It pisses me off.  Maybe my opinion is influenced by my own emotions, but there you go. I'm just so tired of settling for anything less. I feel like just because someone likes you, you don't have to like them back. You're under no obligation to, despite whatever people say. And I'm just angry because I feel like that quote just tells women to just accept whoever who shows a little glint of romance at you and be done with it. That just annoys me to no end. It's as if I can't have the right to get what I want.

I do understand though, that in the world of love and romance, compromise is needed. I understand that completely. It's just.. I feel like this isn't about how compromise is needed in order for things to grow, it's about how women should settle for whoever comes at them. And I'm angry.

Another thing that's been pissing me off is this book I have for my reading assignment, it's by Joseph Conrad and titled Heart of Darkness. I'm reading the Malay translation of it. At first, I thought the author was purposely painting the main character as a racist dude, but alas, no. Towards the middle of the book, it was just full of racist stuff. Then I found misogynistic stuff. And you know what was even more sad than that? The fact that I can imagine people I know reading the misogynistic stuff and agreeing with what it said. Or nodding. Or quoting it. That makes me the most sad. I really hope when we study the book we'll be discussing the racism and sexism, on top of all the literary tools stuff.

I hate being so angry at the world because this is where I live and I cannot run. Sometimes I remember that the world is temporary and it feels okay again but only for a second. It's like there's this disease lingering everywhere I go. Like the human race is this colony of mould on mother Earth and we're all just waiting to be scrubbed off.

le fin

Friday, 19 December 2014

rant

I can't help but feel like you are being awfully pretentious. Cut the crap. Perhaps it is my own weakness of not being able to imagine people doing things I won't be able to that makes me feel that way. Like, just because I can't imagine doing it, doesn't mean that everyone else can't, too. I admit, that is probably a fault of my own. I fully understand that.

However.... your sincerity is.. unconvincing. Once again, you need to convince no one, no one at all, and there is no reason for you to especially convince me. How would I ever be able to measure your sincerity, anyway, right? But get this - I know your type. Yeah, you, with the hero complex. That's the type I really don't like. That complex which reeks in all your actions - let's say if I didn't have to stick around you I would have bolted, long ago. You stink.

Because you know, you're not supposed to brag when you help others. When you help, it doesn't feel like an angel descended from the heavens to save humanity, no. So. Stop. Acting. Like. That's. What. Happens.

And you know what? When help isn't wanted, and you give it anyway, and people don't accept it, don't blame them for it. You're not needed. Stop acting like everyone else is unappreciative, and you're the one sacrificing your all. Stop that. Go away.


Wednesday, 3 December 2014

i'd like to fall.

You know how when you're in a relationship and you just keep on expecting things you don't ever get? Like you wish, for once, he'd start the conversation or for once, he'd say I love you first in full the way you want him to, or for him to just... do all the things you would be willing to do for him? I felt that way a lot and never being able to witness those wants into realities sucked, hard. After a while I figured that it would be much easier for both parties involved if I just accepted things as they are and didn't ask for much: basically, I was to sit down quietly and take what I get. Which didn't sit so quietly with me because I felt like I was losing and I didn't like that. I don't take what I get, I get what I want. I mean, why shouldn't he put in the extra effort? Why can't I ask for someone to show that they care for me? Why can't I deserve that, ya know? I don't want to settle - I don't need to. I shouldn't be touched by things he should be doing all the time. Go the extra mile for me. It's not being demanding, it's being... I don't know. It's not like I need ya to fly a plane and write in the sky that you love me, I just don't want to settle for mediocrity. That's all.


And all of this got me thinking about my relationships now - with my girlfriends and all, and I think about how I feel like there's no compromise? It's just that I'm here, and they're there and we can coexist so splendidly like it's no big deal at all. I spend my days in and out with these people and we all get along fine. Well, we're all different humans and obviously some traits don't sit quite nicely with others and compromises need to happen, but I don't feel like it's a burden at all. Everything is so sincere and genuine.

So the next time I fall in love, I want to fall in love the way I fell in love with my friends. So naturally and without force. Just blending in together. I'd like to fall in love like that.


Friday, 24 October 2014

this is for 3 months

I haven't written in so long. My last post was on the 27th of July, which was almost 3 months ago. Okay, maybe not that long? But it feels like it's been ages to me and I feel like the words are frozen in my head and they don't flow as easily as they usually do.

3 months is about as long I've been in KMB, and also it's been 3 months since I've been on my own. So far so good, I've got really great friends, I love where I am and I'm scared if I love it too much it'll get taken away from me, the way most things I love do. I also got a new laptop! It's not pink but it'll do just fine.

Emotionally, it's been pretty eh. I tell you one thing I'm scared of though, I'm sort of afraid my ESTJ tendencies don't shine through enough. Then I won't be an ESTJ anymore and then what? I don't know if I'd like to be anything else.

I miss my cat.


Sunday, 27 July 2014

trying to stay afloat

I can't remember how I convinced myself that I could have both things and that I wouldn't hurt anyone in the process - not even myself. I can't believe I managed to convince myself that I can just cut out a chunk of your heart full of emotion and feeling; and then keep it in some vacuum where time and weather won't wear it down, then put it back in me and nothing would have changed. 

I wish that vacuum existed though, solely for you and me. 

And even now, no, throughout the whole thing I think what mattered to me most was that you didn't get hurt. Of course, I don't know if that's even possible, and I'm happy you're acting like it is - whether because it's possible or because you have to is of no huge significance to me. Don't get me wrong, of course I'm sad, much more than I thought I would be, actually, but I'm relieved you've got people around you who can make you forget. And who can laugh with you and make you feel okay again. I'm relieved that you're close to not-caring - though I wish I was as close to not-caring as you. 

I don't even know if I care. I know I don't don't care, so I guess I do, even a little bit. I just feel empty a lot these days. Weightless, floating in the wind. It's not something you feel strongly all the time, but the feeling is always there. Like there's just this big hole in me, somewhere, and I don't know what to fill it with. I've pushed so many people away now, people who were my anchor to the ground. Do I make sense? Basically what I'm trying to say is that I feel empty and that I don't have anyone I can call home. That's another thing - I wish I wasn't so attached to the concept of home. It makes everything twice as hard. It's not just leaving a person, it's leaving home - somewhere you feel like you belong. Now I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and it's all my fault. 

I can't wait for this to end - because this cycle of self-pity is tiring; and I can't wait to find home again, if it'll have me once more. 



Tuesday, 27 May 2014

rain & cry

Two things I've been caught up with for some time ended today - The Luminaries and Puella Magi, a book and an anime I've been watching (actually finished puella magi in two sittings, though.) I had been caught up with TL for some time and was struggling to finish it as soon as possible, and when it finally did, I don't know how I felt. It wasn't the type of ending where it left you being all, "wow that's so sad, in a really fucked up way" or anything. It didn't exactly gave me any feels, either. That would be saying the ending was somewhat weak, right? But it wasn't at all. It kind of weighed on my mind for a long time after I finished the final chapter. Just kind of hung around in my head and I couldn't shake it off. Maybe it was because I haven't read a story book where I was being critical of it the whole time before. Maybe it's completely nothing, too, of course.

PM was really good, too. I'm not exactly familiar with the magical girl genre, only experience I've had with it was probably the early Sailormoon comics? That's as close as it gets. I don't think pm was anything like that though. It was probably one of the best animes I've seen in awhile. Anyway one of the themes in PM was about bad and good and its definitions (or something like that) and I started thinking about that.

You know how like, some people have one thing and not the other? Like they could be smart in studies, but lack in looks? Or like how they could be both of that and have some kind of family problem, or something like that. Reading that after I typed it makes me realise how naive that all sounds, as if human beings can be so easily categorised and defined, but you get my point right? Like, generally.

Anyway. You know how sometimes when people are so hurt that they would never wish what they went through to happen to another person? I've always felt kinda bad because I wouldn't mind if my future children went through a certain incident I went through. Isn't that fucked up of me? Like, it wasn't anything ethically/morally wrong, dear God me no, just a very unpleasant incident and something I've always perceived as a burden I've had to carry for a long time now.. and still carry.. like, I wouldn't mind if my future child went through the same thing. Because somehow it made me into the person I am today, and by my standards I think I've turned out reasonably fine. But it's not because I perceive this particular experience to be those kind of events where I can look back and be grateful it happened, it's still something that at the mere mention of any detail related to it I completely shut myself off........ So I don't know why I wouldn't mind if my future child went through the same thing. Maybe I just don't know how much I'll love my future daughter/son, I guess. And right now, children seem to me like something that can be shaped to act and behave a certain way, in my case, my way. Though I see perfectly now that that is not the case.....

Is my narcissism showing? Does it show too much? I let out too much the other day to an old friend and he said, "Don't worry Hanis, I know exactly how obnoxious you can be," and I guess that's true. Two days ago I had somewhat of an emotional breakdown. Just the usual monthly/bi-monthly kind, that warranted a long cry in the shower. What is it with hot water dripping down my back that is somewhat so calming?

It's 4.41 AM and so many questions are running through my head. I could write them all down but I'm afraid I don't want to know the answers - well, it's not that I don't want to, it's more like it's unnecessary..........

You know how they say one way to truly know someone is when you read what they have to say in the middle of the night? Based on that, one can say that the true essence of a human being, can be summed up to their thoughts in the middle of the night, like right now, like what I am doing. Then what am I? Because these posts in the middle of the night have a similar pattern - confused, analytical, having questions then directly answering them after I put them forward. Is that what I am?

I remember when I was a child - I can't place how old I was, probably 5 or 6 or 7, maybe - but I was in my grandparents' old house back in PJ, and they had a narrow corridor. The walls were smooth and not like how they make them today and I liked to just walk across the corridor all the time, my cheek rubbing against the wall. I remember planning what it was that I wanted to be when I grow up. I think I even used the house phone to call my mother and ask about some particulars I wasn't sure of. The particulars I refer to are when I would finish high school, university, and the like. That was the moment I started planning my life, I think. I remember counting the years with my hands and making some mistakes at first. At the time, as I remember, my target year was 2015. I don't know whether little-me meant I was to finish high school by then, or have a degree, I'm afraid that's as far as my memory goes. All throughout the short years I've been alive, when I've achieved something, or got myself into a mess I've always wondered whether past me would be happy would be happy with the me right now.

(I think I've blogged about this before?)

It's ridiculous isn't it? To live up to the expectations of a much younger, much more sheltered, much more naive version of yourself? Especially when it's all based on memory, and memory is such a fickle thing. Since I don't think this is the first time I've brought it up, what does that say about me now? Looking for validation? Still unaccomplished? Incomplete? A work in progress? All of the above?

le fin.


Wednesday, 14 May 2014

can't hide it


So I haven't been posting much lately, or rather I posted something about a week ago, felt bad about it then deleted it. Either way, this blog hasn't been updated in a while.. I guess I should write about life, and stuff, and right now, I guess?

The stories that are here were formed (thought up?) when I was on the way home from tuition back in Form 5, actually. I'd be on the way home late at night in the car and I'd be typing something into my phone - probably some kind of dialogue, story that had been gnawing at the back of my head all through class. Because well, I'm just not there in class sometimes.. I remember nodding off in Add Maths because I was so sleepy. Not just like, yawning, but I closed my eyes for 5 seconds and fell asleep. Anyway. Now that I don't go to tuition anymore, I haven't even thought of stories until Elyna tweeted something 20 minutes ago.

Orrrrr my not writing stories has something to do with me being in an actual relationship for 7 months. Since most of my stories back then were manifested feelings that I let grow inside of me too long, anyway. Either way, I'm content being a reader.

Speaking of reading, I'm currently reading The Luminaries by Eleanor Catton. I've tweeted about this at least twice, but the book is heavy as heck. 800+ pages, and like yeah, I've read longer but they weren't as thick as this one. Probably because the font isn't super small. I compared it to a Kamus Dewan, aaand The Luminaries won.

(random book review)
TL won the Man Booker Prize, which is why I was so sure it was going to be worth a read - seeing as I've rarely been disappointed by a book that won a prize I've heard more than once. I'm about a quarter through and it's quite good. There are about 13 main characters in all, and the author is describing each one IN DETAIL. I love the way she describes each one, though. You know how you read a book and you can just relate to the character? I felt that with the characters but it wasn't just the usual relate, it was just... the detail of the characters' personalities are so human that it disturbs me, but in a good way? It's not relating to the character emotionally, but the whole character itself from the way they think to the way they act. It's a great analysis of different personalities down to their behaviour and perspective - and I identified with some of the characters, some of the characters were like me from when I was younger. Do I make sense? If you don't mind long-winded books then go ahead. It DOES get a bit too long sometimes though, but it's well-written nevertheless.

I also bought Murakami's The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, simply because Murakami. I saw a discount on And The Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini at a bookstore today, and I really wanted to get that.. but since I haven't finished TL and haven't even taken off the plastic from the Murakami one, I had to stop myself.

I told myself I'd read loads of storybooks before I leave for college. I also told myself I'd catch up to One Piece (ha- fat chance) and watch tons of other anime. I don't seem to be completing either except maybe the anime part. Oh wow, I've just realised how nerdy I sound talking about books and anime lol.

Moving on.

I went out with friends today! Karaoke, bowling and stuff. I got really hyper during bowling and managed to convince Farahin to throw the bowling ball between her legs. Bad idea, don't do that, you probably won't hit any pins.


Arif and Zafri are going to the same place I'm going, asasi at uitm. If I don't get MARA that is. To be honest I don't know which one I prefer, I'm just so grateful that both places are in Selangor and more or less close to home.

I'm not sure how I feel yet, about all of this. I guess I'm just trying to push the idea of college away for now. It's not happening yet, to me. But I guess when it finally happens I'm going to be the one most affected? I don't know.

I do know I'll miss the people I've loved for so long. Like, I don't even know what their schedule is going to be like anymore. I used to know roughly what time these people would wake up - which isn't that creepy if you've known someone for long or are super close - and what they're probably going to do with their day. Of course there'll be whatsapp and twitter and all, but in my years of moving schools, distance is probably the biggest test for friendships sometimes. You get to know who actually bothers to catch up with you and ask you how's it going, or just be around. It's not that you need to talk to each other every day or anything, but I've had some instances where I've just been deleted from people's lives when I left or they left.. and it's just, no one bothers to build that bridge all over again, since the bridge probably wasn't that strong to begin with.

Which just goes to show how Elyna and I survived these past few years is an amazing feat in itself, ha. Granted, that time we met up was awkward since the three of us were already so different then, but I think we remain pretty supportive of one another even until now.

That being said, personally I highly doubt that these people I've loved for so long would actually just delete me from their life. But God knows what's going to happen next, you know?

In other news, going to have ramen for sahur. Whoops. Goodnight.